Valuable Tips to Help You Win at Poker Every Time
The internet is so good at providing top-level advice on any human endeavor imaginable that it’s shocking to discover there are no blogs entitled “7 Tips to Win Every Poker Hand—You Won’t Believe #4!” out there.
It’s almost like there’s a conspiracy to keep the information from the rest of us.
Well, that end today because I’m about to rip the lid off the harsh but straightforward truths about poker and the secret ways you can win every hand—secrets they are keeping from you.
Below you’ll find more than a dozen solid strategies for playing winning poker 100% of the time. Much of this information has never been revealed before, but it is too important to keep hidden. Please don’t make me regret this.
Play Stupid Opponents
They say you never learn anything about chess if you only play against people you can beat. Well, poker isn’t chess, and we’re not playing it to learn—we’re playing it to win.
Beating Phil Helmuth’s heads-up might seem like a real accomplishment but buying your second home in the Hamptons with your winnings is much better.
Finding stupid opponents is one of the best ways to win at poker 100% of the time, but it’s also becoming one of the most difficult to actually accomplish.
With the internet offering advice on everything there is to know about poker; it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a table full of them.
Be a Wookie
Remember when R2D2 played that game against Chewbacca, and Chewbacca was losing? And after hearing about what sore losers wookies were, C3PO nervously advised R2D2 to “Let the Wookie win”?
Yeah, be a Wookie. Be aware that you may have to spend months, even years, perfecting your reputation as a horrifyingly sore (and potentially dangerous) loser—but it will produce solid dividends.
Eventually, few, if any, players will be willing to risk seeing you in action. At the first sign you intend to win, they will surrender, folding their tents and slipping away into the night.
Heck, if you’re good enough, your notoriety could make it possible to win in a WSOP tournament. But be forewarned: Some top poker players are already at world-class levels in this department.
Bring Your Own Deck of Cards
This only works at brick and mortar casinos—even the best US online casinos have so far declined to permit this strategy.
And yes, even at the IRL poker rooms, you might hear some complaints when you pull out a fresh deck at the table and use it to flesh out your inside straight flush draw. Just ignore those complaints.
They’re all just mad that they didn’t think of this first.
Develop Your Magical Skills Sufficiently
This might be a tad difficult if you’re a mugwort or whatever it is that Harry Potter calls people with no magical skills, but everybody would be doing it if it were easy, right?
Start small, like changing the flop from 3-J-7 to A-A-K (if you have AK in the pocket, of course). Once you’ve mastered that move, work on changing your hole cards until you can turn any flop into the absolute nuts.
As the great poker player Charlie Sheen would say: Winning!
This might be one of the few strategies that work equally as well in brick and mortar poker rooms and online casinos. Personally, I’ve only gotten it to work at home, in my garage, against the family pets. I’ll keep you posted.
Buy-In for $1,000,000 and Then Go All-In Every Hand
This one will work best at the $1-$2 no-limit table. Sure, you’ll run into the occasional suicidal caller, but you’ll probably win, anyway.
And guess what you’re doing the very next hand. If you said “go all-in again,” put another mark in the Win column. See, now you’re getting the hang of this.
A variation on this strategy is stalk slowly around the poker table, gripping a baseball bat while muttering “enthusiasms… enthusiasms….” Poker’s a battle of nerves, my friend.
You Could Cheat
Seriously, spend a few years learning card mechanics to the point where you can float an ace to the top of the deck from across the room.
Chortle maniacally when you win, scowl threateningly when anyone complains, and keep cheating. If they try to have security escort you out of the casino, threaten a civil suit.
Do Not Bathe
Obviously, this isn’t going to work online—Smell-o-Vision and iSmell are still in the beta stages and have yet to make much of a mark at even the best live online casinos.
But at brick and mortar poker rooms? Smells like victory!
Now, imagine having to play poker with such a malodorous person sitting next to you, calling your 3-bets, tipping the cocktail waitress with neatly folded chewing gum wrappers, and breathing through their mouth.
You winced, didn’t you?
Now, be that person. Embrace the stinkiness. Light up, grease your way across the poker room, and scooch into that vacant seat at the $5-$10 NL table.
Never Play Against Anyone but Your Grandma
Remember when you beat your grandma at checkers that one time? You know she let you win, right? No? Didn’t you know that?
Instead of being hurt or outraged that she deluded your seven-year-old self, think clearly. Don’t get made. Get Even.
Challenge grandma to a heads-up game of hold’em. She may have been clever enough to fool a seven-year-old, but she’s probably struggling to remember your name these days.
Talk her into betting her house on the next hand. Cheat if you have to. She took advantage of your innocent credulity. Make her pay.
Play in Zombie Tournaments
Yeah, they’re gross and smelly and vicious and missing various limbs, but they all have one desirable trait in common: They are none too bright. And according to the many documentaries I’ve seen on television and in theatres, the walking dead are everywhere you want to be, like Visa. Or Starbucks. Or Elon Musk.
The easiest place to find zombie tournaments is at—surprisingly enough–the best US casino online. They aren’t zombies, you say? Prove it.
Incidentally, you can imagine the poker players online to be virtually anything: cartoon characters, Poland-Chinas, B-list celebrities, college roommates. The possibilities are endless.
Except for the overwhelming you and eating your brains part. Stupid people tend to be satisfied with just copying your homework.
Only Play Against Little Kids
You might think this is a different take on Grandma since they both share short attention spans, finicky appetites, and occasional embarrassing accidents.
Grandma might not be deterred from calling your bluff, but a six-year-old will think twice about it once you tell them THE WHOLE TABLE IS LAVA!
See how easy that was?
Plus, you can probably take them, while grandma might be a bit too handy with the butterfly knife. Your grandma may vary.
Control the Story
In his nonfiction tell-all 1984, George Orwell has the government announce that chocolate rations have been raised to 20 grams a week—just a few days after announcing that chocolate rations had been reduced to 20 grams a week. The reduction made everybody sad, but they were thrilled to learn the ration was increased.
What the what?
You read that right: People are dumb. Everybody else already knows this. Those who don’t, well… what can I say.
The trick to winning at poker 100% of the time is to control the story and control the definition of the words used to tell the story.
Play Against Your Pets
Come on; you saw this coming. Even if you suspect you may not be quite as smart as your beagle, he loves you so much he’ll gladly call your bet and then courteously fold.
Dogs are a man’s best friend for a reason. One of those is that they will let you beat them at poker.
Parrots and mynah birds, on the other hand, are notorious cheaters. Worse, they live forever and are likely possessed by evil spirits.
Plus, if the fish refuse to fold against your bluff, you can always flush the toilet a couple of times. When you get back to the table, I’m sure they’ll be more inclined to play the game your way.
Invent Poker Solitaire
As the great philosopher Hans Gruber noted, “Alexander wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.”
First of all, don’t make the rookie mistake of playing video Poker Solitaire (also known as Poker Squares). Being a video game, it can’t be cheated (unless you’ve got the source code or can read and edit hexadecimal).
No, get a real deck of cards, and build your game from the ground up. Make up whatever rules you like, as long as the only inviolable rule is “I win.”
Don’t Play Poker with Pirates
This is such a no-brainer. I’m always surprised that more people are not aware of it. Eye patches, peg legs, and hooks for hands should be a tip-off, but what’s more important is the knowledge that pirates are notoriously humorless about being beaten at cards.
I’ve seen them make hapless victims walk the plank over Crazy Eights. True story.
This might be a good time to mention the other people and groups to avoid when putting together a poker game. Here are a few of the opponents you’ll want to avoid.
|Cannibals||Unless you’re eager to become “part of this nutritious breakfast,” ixnay on the annibals-cay.|
|Pirates||As I mentioned, peg legs are funny, but having hooks for hands is never a good sign.|
|Somebody Else’s Grandma||Your own grandma may let you win, but somebody else’s grandma might not be so sentimental. Or honest. I know this now.|
|Bugs Bunny||Too wascally|
|Crips||You say drive-thru, they say drive-by. One of you is talking about lunch. Spoiler alert: It’s not the Crips.|
|Drug Cartel Kingpins||Unless you’ve got a battalion of Navy SEALs on rescue standby, deal these guys out.|
|Hannibal Lecter||He once convinced a guy to skin his own face and eat it. The minute Lecter breaks out a deck of cards and suggests a friendly game, grabs your coat and hat, and runs for the nearest exit.|
|Clowns||They are clowns.|
Now That You’ve Tried Everything Else…
Do I really need to point out that none of the above tricks will work? The sober truth is that no one can win every single hand in poker.
But you can improve your win-loss record—and it doesn’t require cheating, taking hostages, or making your grandma cry.
Try this no-joke checklist for improving your game.
- Learn basic winning strategies for your game
- Hone your skills with practice
- Play for money only at safe online casinos
- Establish and stick to a budget
You can win more often by simply learning strategies with our complete poker guide if you want to play.
Once you’ve improved your game knowledge, you’ll have the confidence to try your hand at one of these online casino sites.
Remember: Nobody is born a great poker player. And while some people grasp a game and the various strategies to win it more readily than others, everybody’s performance improves with practice, study, hard work, and—unfortunately—failing occasionally.
Failing is crucial because we humans don’t learn much from our successes for some reason. So don’t worry about failure. You have nothing to fear.
Except for clowns.